Doing Okay

I thought it would be best to post an update, just so folks know that we're going to survive. ;-)

Sunday night was really tough. I'm a little bit ashamed to admit just HOW badly I felt after Charlie's funeral. I tried to listen to some nice soothing worship music before bed, but everything that came on just sounded so melancholy and mournful! I'm pretty sure on any other day I wouldn't have thought so, but that's sure how it sounded that night! I finally gave up and went to bed, trying to put words to the horrible feeling I was experiencing. I finally settled on a word that I was embarrassed (and still am) to choose: depressed. I just felt sooooo down and sad and hopeless and all manner of feelings that God doesn't intend for us to live with and that I'm sooooo unaccustomed to feeling! I know that it was mostly due to losing Charlie, but I'm sure it was compounded by the major lack of sleep over the previous two or three days, the stress of caring for a very sick dog, the physical exertion of "moving in" (such as it was) on Saturday, as well as a few other physical issues at the time--everything piled up together just threw me totally out of whack! But God is good and faithful to hear and answer prayers. He gave me such good and solid rest that night and I did awake feeling much better.

Yesterday was pretty tough. As long as they stay busy, the kids do pretty well. But when a lull comes during the day the tears aren't far behind. I don't know how many times throughout the day I would hear the kids playing or doing school in the other room, and then one of them (usually Sam) would walk around the corner with tears just streaming down his face, coming to hug and cry. (They know they can count on me to break down and cry with them every time, I guess!) Then they tell me what it was that made them think of Charlie. Sometimes they happen to see something he loved to play with, or sometimes they'll look under the table to see if he's there--just out of habit, or sometimes they'll drop a piece of food on the floor and he's not there to come and get it. It's amazing, the thousand and two things that make you think of a dog once he's not there anymore.

I was really dreading a long and teary night with three heartbroken kids, but then the Ridlespurges showed up! They had seen what a wreck we were at church the night before (or was it mostly just me???) and they wanted to come by just to check on us and make sure we were doing okay. Most folks wouldn't think to do that after a dog dies (!), but it meant sooooo much to us! We visited for a few minutes, then they tried to leave--insisting that they didn't want to barge in or keep us from our work--but we managed to talk them into going out to eat with us first. James and I agreed to let all of the kids ride in the back of the Ridlespurge's truck (apparently that's not illegal in Alabama??? Crazy!) and on a whim we hopped out of the van and climbed into the back of the truck with the rest of 'em. It was great. :-) Except that I think my husband scares Katie Farr. He's always so WEIRD when she's around and I think it freaks her out a little bit. Ha!

Since we had bummed a ride, the Ridlespurges had to take us back home. When we got there, the kids were all saying things like, "Okay, Mom... Do your thing--keep 'em talking!" They were wanting some more time to play and hang out with the kids. After a good bit of effort we were able to persuade Brother & Sister Ridlespurge to come in a visit just a little while longer. The kids all went to the basement and had a BLAST. I went to check on them a few times. The girls spent a lot of time on the roller skates and the boys were having a fantastic dart gun war with cardboard box "tanks" and cannons and who knows what all. It was sooooo nice to see them all laughing and having such a great time. We so, so, soooooo needed the distraction and it was such a blessing to not just sit and cry all night! And I think it gave the kids some hope that they'll be okay and they'll make it through this thing and not just spend the rest of their lives sad and teary.

Today has been much better, for the most part. It was late this afternoon before I broke down and cried. :-) I suddenly felt a strong urge to stop working and pick up a poodle and cuddle for a few minutes. It was something I used to do several times every day, explaining to Charlie that I needed poodle therapy. “Poodles are good for people, you know that, Charlie? They are. It’s just soothing and relaxing to cuddle with poodles. That’s why God made them…” I’m sure he knew the speech by heart. ;-) I really could've used some poodle therapy today. But the reason I really needed it is because… ~sigh~ …because I don’t have a poodle. So since I was all teary anyway I went on out to his grave to cry for a little while. You can’t just stand and cry without praying, so I thanked God for the time we had with Charlie and what a great little dog he was for our family, and then I asked Him again (as I have dozens of times already) to help our hearts to heal. It doesn’t take very long to run out of words, so I felt like I was saying the same thing over and over, but it felt good to go cry about it for a few minutes anyway. I remember James asking me after Hershey died if it was really worth it to have a dog and then suffer so horribly over losing them. The answer was an obvious YES, it is soooooo worth it! And I would say the same thing again after losing Charlie, but if I would have KNOWN ahead of time that we’d only have him for a year and a half before going through this…!? I'm sure I still would have agreed. He was such a great dog and had such fun little quirks that we'll always remember. Like the way he loved to crouch down and crawl slowly toward you, then pounce at you. Or that his favorite toy was a plastic bag. How much he loved air blowing and would stand over a heater vent and lick at it--or come running when he heard the blow dryer. He was just so fun. I’m THANKFUL that we had him for the time we did and I certainly don’t regret it, but a year and a half just isn’t nearly long enough to love and enjoy a dog before going through the hurting/grieving thing again. It almost makes me hesitate to think of getting another one down the road. I would feel much better if I had at least a 3 year guarantee (though I’d prefer a 10 year guarantee!) that they’d be with us and in good health that long! Too bad it doesn’t work like that. Oh, I did thank God again for how merciful He is to have only ever chosen to take poodles from us. We’re soooooo blessed for the health and protection He’s always provided for James and the kids and myself.

Tonight the kids went to bed without any tears. ~whew~ That's such a relief! Thank the Lord. :-) And I'm feeling really good for the most part, too.

We've been busy trying to unpack and get moved in, but I'm amazed at how little we've accomplished in the past two days! James is making good progress in his office and, as of tonight, I'm pretty well moved in to the kitchen. And get this... a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-all of those kitchen boxes have been unpacked and everything actually found a place! I was so worried that I'd run out of room and still have 5 boxes to unpack (ha!), but it looks like it's all working out just right. The pantry is a WRECK, but aside from that things are looking good. I'll post pictures soon.

Tomorrow is a fresh day. I expect it to be a good one. I just can't help but feel so blessed. Our family feels closer. I love that. :-)