Charlie Dog

~sigh~

I so dread writing this post, but it must be done.

Charlie had a long and miserable week, and finally left us this afternoon. We are so heartbroken, but truthfully after what he's been through I must say that I am also relieved. For the past day or two we've been begging God to either heal Charlie and make him well again, or to have mercy and just let him die. God answered our prayers today and we are genuinely thankful, though it certainly wasn't the answer we were hoping for.

We had to board him last weekend while we were traveling. We left a healthy dog and came home to a sick one. I talked to my cousin tonight (a serious dog lover) and she says it sounds like perhaps it was Parvo. He had stopped eating and was having horrible symptoms, especially the past two or three days. He was so miserable and unable to sleep or get comfortable or take anything at all into his body aside from water. He was in pretty bad shape when we left him this morning, but when we got home from church things were sooooo much worse. I actually thought he was dead to begin with. He was completely limp and couldn't/wouldn't hold his head up or anything. Due to some of his horrible symptoms he was filthy so I laid him in the utility sink and got him all cleaned up, then wrapped him up in towels and the kids all took a turn sitting in a chair and holding him and crying and talking to him and saying goodbye--it was obvious that there would be no recovery unless God worked a miracle. It was so hard, but the kids were so grateful to have that time with Charlie and have told me how merciful it was of God that he didn't die while we were gone and that they all got to see him and love on him and say goodbye. They are thankful that Charlie knew we were there and that he was loved. It thrills me when I hear them say things like that and when they find ways to be thankful to the Lord even in the really hard things.

I intended to stay home and just hold Charlie until the end, but James thought it best if I went with the rest of the family to eat at the Hopkins' house. I was just sick over leaving Charlie, but then I remembered that he'd been trying to go hide all alone in dark, private places out in the woods for days. It's what dogs do when they're ready to die. Maybe my being here was actually preventing him? So I wrapped him in the towels and laid him on the floor in our closet, one of the places he'd gone to try to get rest earlier in the week.

When we got home after about two hours I was just sure he would either be healed (we weren't ready to give up hope and we hadn't stopped praying!) or dead--I just didn't see how he could have made it that long. He was still alive, but no longer conscious and his breathing was heavy and labored. It was worse to see him that way than peaceful and lethargic, but the kids insisted on saying goodbye one more time. While Katie was in the closet with him she lifted his head onto her lap. She said he opened his eyes and moved his head a little bit, and then he stopped breathing. Finally, the end. We were all devastated, but so very relieved that he is no longer sick. It's far worse to have a dog that you love laying there in such horrible shape and be unable to do anything to make him better.

I would have been crying anyway, of course, but the kids make it so much worse! I HATE seeing them so torn up! They just sobbed and heaved and the tears just flowed like a river. Katie and Sam are having a harder time accepting it, but Joe amazes me with his ability to see things from a mature and spiritual perspective. He sobs as hard as anybody, but he says that God knows best and that He must have His reasons for not healing Charlie; and that He still loves and trusts God just the same. In a strange kind of a way, I wonder if our kids won't end up loving and trusting God even MORE through this experience. When your heart is grieving you cry out to God in ways that you aren't able to do otherwise and you find Him so real and so near. I've been praying for God's will to be done and for God to somehow receive glory through this situation whichever way it went, and for us to make wise decisions and learn whatever God may wish to teach us through this. Right now everything is still such a blur and our hearts are so heavy and we feel that horrible emptiness of LOSS, so it's hard to really think of what we've learned. I know that my children have cried out to God from the depths of their hearts. That is a beautiful thing. Just a few minutes before Charlie died today I was walking down the hallway and I heard Joe's voice coming from the utility room. I stepped in the door and could hear him from around the corner. He was praying, "God, please, please, please heal my dog. You know what's best and I trust You, God, but I'm asking you, Lord, if it's okay to please heal him." As heartwrenching as it was, I was so blessed to hear him praying with so much passion and faith and even surrender.

Ah, yes. This morning when we got in the van to leave for church James didn't put the van into gear, he said he wanted to talk to us for a few minutes first. He said that he wanted our family to have a prayer together for Charlie and just give him to the Lord. He said we would pray for Charlie to be healed with faith believing that God can do just that. But that we would also pray that if God knew of some reason why it should be Charlie's time to go, that we would ask Him to please take him quickly and not let him suffer any more. The kids (and I, of course) just sobbed, but we had a good prayer and I could hear all of the kids praying sincerely just as their Dad had instructed. I pray that somehow it brings joy to the heart of God to see the kids "giving" Him something they hold so dear. They still have their "why" questions, of course, but they're genuine questions, not accusing questions. I'm pretty sure that kind are okay. :-)

I could ramble on and on. Everything is all hazy in my head, but none of it really matters at this point.

Charlie passed late this afternoon. I got him wrapped up and ready to bury while James and Sam started digging a hole out back. We didn't have time to finish before church, so when we got home tonight the boys and James finished digging and then we had a little graveside service. James asked the kids if they each wanted to say something. Katie talked about remembering the very first time she saw him and how cute it was, and she thanked him for choosing to be with her when he died. Joe thanked him for being such a great dog and for being our "Snarly Charlie" and all of the memories. Sam said about the same thing, but added a thanks for all of the biting times. (Sam and Charlie played ROUGH with each other!) We all cried and said a prayer, thanking God for letting us enjoy Charlie for the time that He did. A year and a half doesn't seem like nearly enough time, but he's truly been good for our family and we've been blessed to have him.

This may or may not seem weird--I don't know. I know that I didn't take any pictures of Hershey's funeral because I thought it would be really weird, but then later for some reason I regretting not having any. So I took a couple of pictures this time. If you think it's weird, don't look. ;-)





I know we'll be hurting and grieving for a while. The first few days and weeks are so tough. But I know that it pales in comparison to losing a family member (the human kind--all good dog owners consider their dogs to be family members!) and so many other things that are so much more tragic. I hate how EMPTY your home feels after you're used to having a happy, playful dog there with you all the time. We'll be feeling that emptiness all of the time for a while and do plenty more crying I'm sure, but time will ease things and we'll all survive and be okay. We're blessed. And we know it. I've been blessed by my husband's care for his family today. And I've been blessed by my children's sincere prayers and trust in God today. I feel heartbroken. But blessed. I love how much God loves us. :-)