Peace... or Panic?!?!?

So hard to decide. But my mother was gracious enough to point out that I haven't blogged since Monday, so I decided I should post something. As she said, we have a prayer request... a particularly urgent one... But I fear sharing the details just yet, since I HOPE to receive better and happier information on the subject today than I did yesterday. We earnestly covet your prayers, but I would hate to speak prematurely (we're hoping the information we receive will be the right kind, that will make our prayer request a much less urgent one) and have everybody fly into a fit of panic unnecessary. Indeed, if we're going to panic, I feel deeply it should be reserved for the proper time. :-) And in the spirit of panicking, I felt led to post a portion of an article by an author from whom I receive great inspiration. He's one of my very favorites and a man truly gifted in his manner of articulation. His name is Pat McManus :-) and in the following essay he covers some of the finer points of panicking. I thought the information might be useful if we happen to need it in the near future. He's speaking particularly of panicking when one is lost in the woods, however the method and proper procedure of panic can be applied to any situation. Enjoy.

I disagree sharply with most survival experts on what the lost person should do first. Most of them start out by saying some fool thing like, "The first rule of survival is DON'T PANIC!" Well, anyone who has ever been lost knows that kind of advice is complete nonsense. They might as well tell you "DON'T SWEAT!" or "DON'T GET GOOSE BUMPS ALL OVER YOUR BODY!"

Survival experts are apparently such calm, rational people themselves that they assume a lost person spends considerable time deliberating the question of whether he should panic: "Let's see, the first thing I'll do is panic, and then I'll check to see on which side of the trees the moss is growing." It doesn't work that way.

First of all, one is either a panicker or one isn't, and the occasion of being lost is no time to start fretting about a flaw in one's character. My own theory holds that it is best, if one is a panicker, to get the panic out of the system as quickly as possible. Holding panic in may cause severe psychological disorders and even stomach cramps and baldness. Also, the impacted panic may break loose at a later date, if there is a later date, and cause one to sprint across a shopping mall yelling "Help! Help!" at the top of his lungs. Shopping malls being what they are, no one would probably notice but it might be embarrassing anyway.

Over the years I've been involved in several dozen panics, usually as a participant, sometimes simply as an observer. Most of my panics have been of a solitary nature, but on several occasions I have organized and led group panics, one of which involved twenty-some people. In that instance a utility company took advantage of the swath we cut through the forest and built a power line along it.

Back in the earlier days of my panicking I utilized what is known technically as the Full Bore Linear Panic (FBLP). This is where you run flat out in a straight line until the course of your panic is deflected by a large rock or tree, after which you get up and sprint off in a new direction. The FBLP is also popularly referred to as the ricochet or pinball panic or sometimes simply as "going bananas." Once an FBLP is underway there is no stopping it. It gains momentum at every stride, and the participants get so caught up in it they forget the reason for holding it in the first place. They'll panic right out of the woods, onto a road, down the road, through a town, and back into the woods, all the time picking up momentum. One time when we were kids my friend Retch and I panicked right through a logging crew and the loggers dropped what they were doing and ran along with us under the impression we were being pursued by something. When they found out all we were doing was panicking, they fell back, grumbling, and returned to their work. This tendency of panic to feed upon itself gives it ever-increasing momentum and occasionally indigestion.

Although it will do absolutely no good, I must advice against undertaking a Full Bore Linear Panic unless, of course, one is equipped with a stout heart, a three-day supply of food, and a valid passport. Instead, I recommend the Stationary or Modified Panic. It offers the same therapeutic effect and subsides after a few minutes with none of the FBLP's adverse side-effects, such as making your life insurance company break out in a bad rash.

The Stationary Panic first came to my attention one time when a large but harmless snake slithered across a trail a couple of yards ahead of my wife. She made a high-pitched chittering sound and began jumping up and down and flailing the air with her arms. It was a most impressive performance, particularly since each jump was approximately a foot high and her backpack happened to be the one with the tent on it. The only adverse side effect to the Stationary Panic was that the lone witness to the spectacle could not help laughing every time he though about it, a reaction quickly remedied, however, by his sleeping most of the night outside the tent in a driving rainstorm.

Although I immediately perceived the advantage of this form of panic, I could not imagine myself bouncing up and down, flailing my arms and chittering like an angry squirrel, particularly in front of the rough company with whom I usually find myself in a predicament requiring a panic. Thus it came about that I invented the Modified Stationary Panic, or MSP.

The key to the MSP is not to bounce up and down in a monotonous fashion but to vary the steps so that it appears to be a sort of folk dance. You can make up your own steps but I highly recommend throwing in a couple of Russian squat kicks. The chittering sound should be replaced by an Austrian folk song, shouted out at the top of your voice. The MSP is particularly appropriate for group panics. There are few sights so inspiring as a group of lost hunters, arms entwined, dancing and singing for all they are worth as night closes in upon them.

As entertaining as it sounds, I'm hoping we can manage to avoid a mass group panic, so...

PLEASE PRAY! I felt some definite twinges of panic yesterday and my children keep questioning me about the one eyelid that keeps fluttering without command (just kidding!), but for the most part I have peace and am even sort of excited to see just how God is going to work out this little dilemma. I HATE it when people do things like this--allude to some deep dark secret that's so urgent and they need your prayers... but they won't tell you what it is! SO FRUSTRATING. So feel free to spew your frustrations here, and I will probably be posting the actual details of our problem tonight or tomorrow. I just want to wait until maybe, just maybe, there won't be such a problem anymore! Even if you're mad at me for not telling, please pray anyway! :-)