I Feel Lost

As of about two hours ago I am childless and poodleless. And it feels soooooo weird. I'm really not sure I like it at all.

Mom came and picked up the kids today so she can watch them while James and I are at Youth Retreat this weekend. She'll keep them at her house for a week, then James and I will go to Cleveland and he'll stay with the kids at Mom's house while I go with her to Tennessee Ladies' Retreat. We've been trying to work out the details of this plan for a couple of weeks now and it finally all came together yesterday. But it never sunk in until tonight. I know it sounds all weird and sappy, but...

I miss my kids!!!

Is that weird, or what?! I don't DO that. I've never been a misser. I just don't miss people. I don't miss my husband when we're apart, I never missed my parents when I was away from them as a child, I don't typically miss my friends, and I don't miss my kids when I'm away. I love all of those people dearly, I'm just not one of those emotional people who feels sad and lonely when I'm not with them every moment.

But tonight, I'm one of those people. It's miserable to be one of those people. If you are one of them, how do you live with yourself?! Get over it already--it's pitiful to go around feeling this way! I mean that way...

Don't get the wrong impression. I'm not devastated or anything, just strangely affected by being childless. I usually don't blink an eye when I leave the kids to go to Ladies' Retreat or something. All I can figure is that I just wasn't mentally prepared for this or something lame like that. It was part of the plan. We've had so many things to plan and prepare for and so many details to try to work out in the past weeks. This was just one of them: have to work out something to do with the kids while we go to Youth Retreat. So we found a solution for that one, but never actually thought through the part about not having children for a whole week! It's had the very same affect on James, too. When we said goodbye to them tonight we got in the car--all alone, just the two of us--and drove home in almost complete silence. As we pulled up to the house I mentioned how strange it was that the kids aren't here and James had this disturbed look on his face and said, "I know--I don't like this at all. I really don't. It just doesn't feel right!"

Of course it didn't help that we had listened to a CD of Katie, Joe and Sam from when they were 5, 4, and 2 years old on our way home. I had recorded them singing several different songs and burned them onto a CD to sent to Mom and Dad. She had it in her car tonight so I grabbed it and we listened to their adorable little kiddy voices sing and talk and giggle and say how much they loved and missed Granddad... oh, and Grandma, too. It was soooooo cute! ~sigh~ It made me cry.

I've tried so hard to not miss a moment with my kids. From the moment Katie was born I've tried to soak it all in. I have blog entries full of their crazy antics, thousands of pictures, hours of video clips, and memories galore of all of their different stages and quirks and favorite things. And yet it's still speeding by way too quickly.

We celebrated Sam's 8th birthday today. His birthday is on Saturday but we'll be at Retreat and he'll be in Tennessee. Mom will make a cake for him up there, but we won't be there. He chose Chow Town for his birthday lunch today (it's a giant Chinese Buffet), then Krispy Kreme for dessert instead of cake since he'll be getting one of those on Saturday. We sang to him and he opened his present (a bug vacuum--he's sooooo excited)... and for all practical purposes my "baby" is 8 years old now.

And I don't like it at all.

For whatever reason, I started taking birthdays really hard as of his 7th birthday! I remember crying then and crying the night before Katie and Joe's birthday in February. What's up with that?! I just DON'T LIKE the fact that they are growing up. It's all happening way, way, way too fast. When I heard their little voices in the CD tonight I just cried and missed them being that age. Part of me wishes so badly that I could hold on to that forever.

And then I realize how selfish that is. My children aren't just here for me to enjoy. They're not our little playthings for us to cuddle with or laugh at or enjoy for our own pleasure--though any good parent wouldn't miss out on those things for the world. They are souls. Eternal souls that God has created and placed in our home for a very short time. We are so blessed and so privileged to be able to love and enjoy them the way that we do. But they're not here just for my enjoyment and it's selfish of me to wish they could stay this age forever. There is a purpose for their lives far greater than just entertaining me and making my life full and fun. It is God's will for them to grow up and mature and find who God has created them to be, where He wants them to be and what He wants them to do for Him. It's my privilege to help them get started on their journey. But their purpose in life extends far beyond the few short years they will be here with us. When I think of them leaving some day I wonder what in the world I'll do without them. But I want to realize all along the way that my purpose in life is not to horde my children and try to stifle them and keep them little or young, but to allow them to grow into a beautiful young woman and handsome young men who will spend their strength and energies fulfilling God's calling in their lives.

But tonight... I miss them! ;-)